accidentally on purpose
by tamzinrose
Summary: Slight AU of 309. Includes all characters, some more minor than others, both C/E and F/E. What if there was no rock? What if Katie wasn't the victim in the woods? A/N: New chapters written pre-S4, but may be accidentally vaguely spoilery
1. I'd like to do more than survive

Hands are round her throat and she can't breathe, but, after the initial wide eyed panic, she doesn't struggle. She deserves this; Katie seems to think so too. She lets her choke her until she goes limp and her eyes roll back, then Katie lets go and bolts back to the others to feed Freddie a lie about an encounter with the poachers to excuse her pale face and shaking hands. He wraps his arms around her, murmurs "I'll look after you" like he knows he's supposed to, says it over and over until she finally falls asleep.

He is the type of boy who does things because he thinks he is supposed to. He fell in love with the beautiful Effy Stonem because he thought he was supposed to [who hasn't?], then attempted to trick himself into liking Katie Fitch because that was easier [she seemed to like him, while Effy seemed impossible] and he thought he was supposed to. A kiss from him, even accompanied with a laconic confession, means very little; he's seen it done before, thinks it's the way to win the girl's heart. A cake from Cook, however, holds far more significance; he does not love like this, or at least he hasn't before [JJ and Freddie aside]. Loving Katie, even if he doesn't really, is a lot simpler than loving Effy, even if he's no less miserable; at least he's getting regular sex.

Effy, meanwhile, left behind somewhere in the forest, has regained consciousness, curled on her side coughing and gasping. Her eyes are worryingly empty, her fingers clenching and twitching helplessly. She sits up slowly, using a tree trunk to pull herself up, then presses her back against it, hunching forward and trying to breathe deeply. With no idea of how much time has passed or which direction camp is in [and in no fit state to make it back there right now anyway] she picks forest debris out of her hair and waits for the sun to come up. She isn't scared or lonely; Effy is always alone and she isn't scared of anything, except love. She knows they can't leave without her. It's her car, though that probably wouldn't stop them, but she has the keys in her pocket and Cook's not there so they can't hotwire it [maybe that's the sort of knowledge JJ keeps stored away in case he needs it; the amount of general trivia he knows is surprising, but more remarkable is how often it seems to come in handy].

Later, her phone rings and rings and she doesn't answer it. She sees asking for help as a last resort. She wanders the forest until her feet bleed, staring increasingly helplessly at her surroundings. She manages to regain her bearings. They have everything packed away and they're waiting for her.

Freddie scowls at her, stalks over, Katie trailing him and unable to look at her. "Where the hell have you been? We've been calling you for hours!" He's mad to hide the fact that he was scared, or maybe he's resentful that he's got Katie tying him down and keeping him from rescuing her, projecting his anger at her because that's easier than dealing with the actual problem. Typical Freddie. Typical male.

She shrugs one shoulder, shakes the keys at him.

"Everyone ready?" Naomi asks, picking up a cool box with the hand that isn't holding Emily's.

"No thanks to her." Katie grumbles, managing to insult her without turning in her direction. She seems ashamed of what she's done, slightly afraid of Effy; it reminds her of Macbeth, she thinks, where the hero feels so guilty about what he's done to his friend that he starts seeing his ghost and losing his mind. It'd be nice to have that sort of impact on Katie, that sort of power.

"Thomas left." Pandora says sadly, curled in on herself in the passenger seat. "I messed everything up. I don't think I'll do surf and turf again. It just ruins things, doesn't it Eff?"

Effy turns the volume up on the radio, doesn't say a word the whole journey back. Her throat is sore; her voice will come out hoarse and huskier than usual; she doesn't think that anyone would notice, apart from maybe Katie and her guilty conscience [she doesn't doubt the girl's done cruel things before, but attempting to strangle someone is a whole new level; there's no way she can ignore that]. She likes not speaking. She did it for years before these people came into her life, before her brother almost died. She is mysterious and will never be understood, whether she uses words or not.


	2. I'm fragile, mister, just like any girl

Once everyone's been dropped off at home, collecting their luggage from the boot and waving goodbyes, she drives to see Cook. He stares at her in the doorway, doesn't step aside to let her in.

"Doesn't he want you anymore, princess? You not good enough for him?" He knows he's second best. He's always second best, sometimes less than that.

She unzips her jacket, moves the collar aside; the bruising round her neck is dark, obvious fingerprints pressed into her flesh. She tilts her head to let him get a better look. He touches, very gently, puts his hand over the bruises; his fingers don't fit right, nowhere near.

"Little girl hands." He says, softly, holding her hands in his, focused on how small he makes her look, how delicate and vulnerable, how unlike herself that seems. "Why'd you let her do it? You shouldn't let them hurt you." He knows she won't let anyone protect her, so it's important that she looks after herself and she obviously hasn't. If he could have, he would have stopped this happening. Someone should have stopped this. "Did you even tell them what she did to you?"

She shakes her head quickly, eyes wide; she doesn't want them to know.

"This is fucked up. _She's_ fucked up. She could have fucking killed you. You could have fucking died! And they would have just gone on...roasting marshmallows or whatever the fuck those pussies were doing." He pulls her into the room, leads her to the bed, but he's being gentle; he doesn't want to fuck her, he's afraid to hurt her when she's like this.

He doesn't understand. She knew he wouldn't. He's the best she's got. She can tell him; he won't judge her and he won't make it into a big deal, unless he gets wasted and it all accidentally spills out. Maybe that's what she wants. She looks at him with blank eyes, yesterday's make up smeared too much by now.

"Come on." He takes her to the bathroom, folds her clothes carefully as she takes them off and he doesn't ogle her, much. He adjusts the temperature of the shower for her because he knows the trick to it, then drapes his cleanest towel over the radiator and leaves her to it.

He isn't there when she emerges, feeling a little better, or at least closer to human, so she smokes his spliff and drinks his vodka and falls asleep in his bed, clutching the duvet that smells like him and almost wishing he was there instead.


	3. I guess it's high time you found out

It doesn't stay secret for long. Anthea remains oblivious, of course, either failing to notice or consciously ignoring the scarves and self imposed silence and the fact that her daughter is always home, unless she's at school. No late nights, no barely there outfits, no male visitors, except Cook and she's sort of grown to like Cook, or at least tolerate him. He brings flowers and gateau, cigarettes and vodka. He doesn't try to make awkward small talk in the morning or pretend they don't both know he's just fucked Effy, but sometimes he does make breakfast and nothing's burnt or underdone either.

Effy ignores the obvious subtext of emotion between them, which is that he loves her and is in love with her, even though he isn't supposed to be because he's not that type of person. She likes fucking him and she likes that he always has some sort of supply of something to get them fucked up. She leaves the breakfasts and the gateaux to her mother. She hides the bruises and covers up a lot more at the same time; she wears sleeves and hemlines that at least skim her knees. She isn't shocked that no one questions her about being even quieter than usual. She returns to her normal wardrobe after barely a week, which is apparently too soon because JJ gets "locked on" to her almost healed neck. At first the others think he's staring at her cleavage and they laugh, but then Naomi sees the faint yellow and she frowns.

"What happened? Cook play a little rough?"

Then Katie starts to cry.

* * *

The Fitch father says apologising is a sign of weakness. Their mother struggles to comprehend her daughters' motives [she's talked to Naomi, who is currently, perhaps against her better judgement, up in the girls' room with Emily, because she may be the mother of twins but she can really only deal with one problem at a time and Katie's is far more serious].

Emily doesn't know how to feel, fills herself with alcohol to dull the conflicting emotions. "I just...I don't understand why she'd _do_ that. She's not...I mean, she'd never..."

"But she did Ems."

"I know, I know, but she...she didn't _mean_ to. She can't have meant to. She wouldn't..."

Naomi sighs, flops on her back on Emily's bed. "She wasn't tripping. She didn't eat any mushrooms. I don't even think she was drunk."

"No, no, I know that, but-" Then Emily starts to cry, hard, until she can't catch her breath and Naomi holds her, rocks her, tries to soothe her but eventually just gives up to wait it out with her. She cries for a long time, and then she falls asleep.


	4. Will you persist even after?

Freddie is hiding in his shed, smoking a lot of weed and watching a lot of porn and doing very little thinking, because when he does think, he doesn't like his thoughts. They're mostly about a dark haired girl, who could have died [twice actually; not that he knows that] and it could have been his fault. He alternates between blaming himself completely and acting the martyr, or shifting responsibility to anyone and everyone else.

Cook comes to see him; Freddie only lets him in because he hands him an already lit spliff as soon as he opens the door. They talk, about everything and nothing at the same time, saying the things that matter without actually saying them. Cook's _sorry_ is in the spliff; Freddie's in the way he offers Cook the only chair.

They both say _she loves you_ with their eyes and they both mean it, then they say _I love you too_ with the way they hold each other for a beat too long when they hug as Cook leaves. Freddie follows him out, the first time he's left the shed in two days.

Effy is sitting in his garden, smoking a cigarette. She knows he's there without looking up. She walks away, starts the car and waits for Cook with a window rolled down to let the smoke out; she hates to make the car smell.

_See?_ The boys say to each other, through quirked eyebrows and helpless sighs.

She kisses him before he's even closed the door. He gives a wolfish grin in response. "Where we going Eff?"

She shrugs. She hasn't seen any of the others outside of lessons since they found out the truth. The gossip at college is largely inaccurate, but she ignores it anyway. "JJ?"

"I'll call him. Dunno where he is."


	5. You're all alone, you're all over

JJ feels better now the Three Musketeers are back together. His balance has returned since Freddie and Cook patched things up. There's still a degree of awkwardness between them, he's not so naive that he can't recognise that, but things aren't such a mess anymore. His wall looks better now too.

He bumps into Katie when he's leaving his therapist's office. He is stunned to see her here, can't get over his shock enough to keep from babbling and blushing. "Oh, hi Katie. I don't normally see people I know here, except I saw Emily here once and now you're here too. Maybe it's a twin thing."

Her expression reminds him painfully of the phrase _If looks could kill_. "Fuck off." She snarls, shoving him out of her way.

She hasn't been allowed to return to college, or to go out of the house much, unless she's accompanied by her sister or one of her parents. She has been forced to have therapy, which means she's also been forced to take a shitload of drugs that don't really seem to help much. Not that she needs help. There's nothing wrong with her. She did a bad thing, sure, but who hasn't? That bitch deserved it. That bitch thought she was better than everyone else. That bitch wanted her boyfriend - _her_ boyfriend. She's always had a boyfriend, except now she doesn't, because apparently what she'd done to that bitch had been so terrible that he can't even look at her, let alone talk to her or kiss her or fuck her.

She's fairly sure that's all she was to him. Someone to kiss and to fuck, while pretending, probably, that she was someone else, with smaller tits and darker hair and a completely different smile. It's more than a bit shit, but that's the real world, she supposes; everything is a bit shit. That's why they take so many drugs and drink so much. No one drinks with her now. Emily, her own sister, her _twin_ sister hardly talks to her. She catches her watching her sometimes with a look in her eyes as if she's trying to work her out, trying to read her mind. Katie feels the same way, like she doesn't know her twin anymore or understand her. They've become completely different people. She's so alone.

Was it really so terrible? Effy deserved it, didn't she? Didn't she? Except she'd looked scared. And she'd been crying. And Katie had been cruel, making her believe there were bugs, tricking her until her mind was all muddled, taking advantage of the situation, but that was only because Effy had ruined _her_ party and wanted _her_ boyfriend and he stupidly wanted her too. Why isn't she ever enough for anyone? She tries, so hard [too hard?], but it's never enough. People like Effy Stonem can just stroll in and take everything she's worked so hard for like it's nothing, without any effort at all, just by looking the way they do and acting the way she does.

So Katie had left her limp and practically lifeless, somewhere in the woods. She remembers forcing herself to let go, making a deliberate effort, when she realised that Effy's eyes had closed and she wasn't fighting back, not even a little bit. It was her own stupid fault for letting her, wasn't it? Normal people fought back. Normal people didn't let you choke the life out of them [but then again, normal people didn't choke the life out of others]. Effy hadn't told everyone like Katie had feared. She had worried about that, thought maybe she should go and find her in the middle of the night while there was still a chance she was under the influence enough to be manipulated into believing more lies.

She hates the way everyone looks at her now. She gets that she's the bad guy in all of this, but the others are hardly blameless are they? Elizabeth Stonem is no angel; they all know that. She's into mind games and has been playing best friends off against each other since the moment she met them. She ruins lives and breaks hearts. And Freddie, he pretended to be interested in her when he obviously wasn't; he used her. No one judges him for that though do they? They all act as if she's the only one who's done anything wrong.

"Wait." She says, reaching out to snatch a handful of JJ's sweatshirt to stop him from leaving. "Is he...are they..." She stops, wipes tears away with her free hand. "Just...update me. Please. I'm a fucking pariah."

JJ fidgets, doesn't meet her gaze. "I don't know if that's such a good idea. I'm sorry, really, but..."

"Do you think they'll ever forgive me?"

He's quiet for a long moment, longer than she believed he was capable of. "Do you think you deserve to be forgiven?"

She flinches, sucks in a breath sharply like she's been slapped.

"You really hurt her. You could have killed her. I know she's...she makes some situations difficult, but you deliberately attacked her, nearly murdered her. And we do love her." He shrugs her off, turns to leave, relents when he's three steps away. "Give it time. Maybe time really does heal everything."

That may be true, but it obviously doesn't heal fucking fast enough does it? Another couple of days kept under wraps, those bruises would have faded completely and her whole fucking life would be completely different.


	6. I'm trying hard not to be ashamed

Something about JJ seems slightly more off than usual. "Hey! What did you do? You little fucker, you've done something haven't you?" Cook gives him a rough shake by the shoulder.

JJ's avoiding meeting his hard stare, but the shake is enough to get him confessing anyway. "Yes. No. Well, sort of, maybe."

"Get on with it Gay J."

"I, um, sort of...earlier, before now I mean-"

"That's generally what earlier means, yeah. Spit it out or I swear I'll-"

"Okay, okay, sorry. I spoke to Katie. Fitch. I spoke to Katie Fitch earlier."

They are at the green where her brother and his friends used to hang out between lessons [and sometimes during lessons]. Freddie smokes and watches JJ, trying not to laugh at him while trying even harder not to look over at Effy. JJ sits twitching on one side of Cook, Effy sprawls on the other with her head on his thigh, her hair draped across his lap and he's running his fingers through it idly. She doesn't care enough to stop him. His fingers still at the mention of the _bitch Fitch_, as he's not so affectionately nicknamed her.

"J. No. We don't want to talk about that, all right?" Freddie's voice is low in warning, still patient from fondness for the other boy.

JJ nods slowly. "But she...she's sorry. Really. She's really sorry."

Effy rolls her eyes, reaches a hand out for Freddie's spliff [because he keeps giving and she keeps taking and it's all so effortless] and takes a deep draw from it. Cook forces himself to resume playing with her hair, an effort to distract either one of them.

"She fucking should be." Cook growls, just as Naomi and the other Fitch walk over to join them, hand in hand as has become their custom. Emily winces when she realises what they're discussing.

Naomi squeezes her hand and attempts to deal with it. "It was a mistake. She acted like a stupid bitch. She regrets it. She is dealing with the consequences. How long are we going to punish her for?"

"She doesn't have anyone else." Emily tells them in a whisper. "She's always had a boyfriend and she's always had me. She's scared and she's alone. Please can we just... I know she did a horrible thing. I _know_ that. But she's my sister and I love her."


	7. I never met a more impossible girl

Thomas hasn't forgiven Pandora, not really. He talks to her, but that's because he has manners. He doesn't love her anymore. She isn't the same girl he fell in love with. She spends a lot of time at Effy's house. They're almost back to the way they were; at least Effy's forgiven her.

She watches Effy smoke and she watches Effy drink. They share bottles, each wrap a hand around it once they're too drunk to see straight. She tries to ask about _it_ once or twice, but mostly Effy shrugs her off, refuses to be pinned down.

"Like drowning." She says, her eyes laughing so Pandora doesn't know whether or not to believe her.

"Weren't you scared?"

She laughs aloud at that. "No Panda. I wasn't scared."

"Aren't you mad at her Eff?"

"No Panda. I'm not mad at her." She smiles in that way she has that her mother describes so well.

Pandora decides to leave it at that. Except... "Do you love Cookie?"

Her eyes flash warningly.

"Or Freddie? They both love you."

"It's not that simple Panda."

"No, I know." She agrees, even though she thinks that actually it is. Except, well... "Eff? Why did I keep doing surf and turf with Cook? I mean, the first time, that made sense, because I'd never done it before and he was there and he was nice and I knew he'd be good at it and Thomas wasn't there anymore. But he was the best boyfriend ever and I loved him and he came back, he came back for _me, _and I...I kept lying. Why did I do that? Why did I make him go away again?" She's crying by the end of her rambling speech, her head down on the kitchen table and covered by her arms.


	8. Golden days when all this was a mystery

Their next road trip is to the beach, just for the day. Effy drives again, equipped with a soundtrack of songs that alternately makes them sing along at the tops of their voices or reduces them to tears; it's an assortment of things from all of them. They leave ridiculously early in the morning, fuelled by coffee and coke [of both kinds].

This day out is an attempt to renew the bonds that have been broken. It was Emily's idea; they all find it very difficult to say no to her, there's something about her earnest expression and sweetness that has an alarming amount of power. They pile into the car. Katie somehow ends up in the passenger seat. She looks sheepish about it; she won't touch the stereo or say a word to Effy, except to tell her the SatNav's opinions. Emily and Naomi sit very close together at the back of the car, kissing when they think no one's looking. Pandora gazes out of the window distractedly and it is entirely possible that she is the only one in the car who doesn't notice the increasingly heavy petting going on right next to her. The backseat is occupied by Freddie and JJ, with Cook crammed in between them, ruffling their hair and generally acting like an overexcited puppy.

The weather forecast predicted it was going to be a lot colder and rainier than it actually is, though even so there's hardly anyone else around and they have the place to themselves. They spend their day at the beach chasing each other across the sand, skinny dipping and splashing in the sea, and playing impromptu games of volleyball, which they're all pretty crap at. They're all in high spirits, their problems put aside for possibly the first time in their whole entire lives. Katie buys them all ice creams; she takes JJ to help her carry them back, but, to her surprise, Freddie decides to join them. They both know he doesn't love her; they kiss anyway. Misery loves company and they might as well be having sex.

Emily, JJ and Pandora wear matching grins with their eyes lit up and their mouths stretched wide, laughing. JJ isn't twitchy or awkward for once. This is the happiest Pandora's been since back before the camping trip, since the start of her party, before everything went wrong for her. She tries to teach the other two her best dance moves, encouraging them with her happy nonsense language. They're laughing so hard they fall over each other. Naomi arches an eyebrow and shakes her head, though she's obviously equally as amused.

They decided to go sober for the day. There are only a couple of cans of beer to share, added to the cool box picnic by Cook, who is on his best behaviour, honestly. They revert to childhood; build sandcastles, eat ice creams with flakes and sauces, collect shells, marvel at tide pools, paddle and giggle in the waves.

Later, Effy drives them home. They are itchy from salt and sand, but otherwise contented. Everyone but their driver falls asleep on the way, leaning against each other or slumping on car doors. Effy turns the music down low and smokes out of the window. She thinks of forests and forgiveness.


	9. Love in all the lonely places

Against all odds, the truce holds. They're a strange group, according to the college gossip, which has become almost accurate about them: the lesbians, the girl that attempted murder, the one who nearly died, the boys who love her but can't really have her. They dress up and go out and get drunk; they dance too close together, shouting the words to their favourite songs along with the rest of the crowd.

Thomas retreats to the periphery. He wasn't at the beach; maybe that's why he can't accept their simple solutions, where all is forgiven or forgotten or repressed. Pandora misses him almost as much as when he left the country. "He's so far away. I can see him but he's so far away." After particularly pathetic crying jags, Effy takes pity on her and sends her home with Cook - the solution that caused the problem in the first place.

Effy is still an enigma. She watches Freddie and Katie with a dark gaze that sometimes hints at jealousy. Cook gets a kicked puppy expression on his face if he catches her looking, then he kisses her with a passion that borders on violent; bruising force, nips that draw blood. "It's you and me." He reminds her.

There are mornings, so early it's almost still night, when she shows up in Freddie's garden. He knows; he's looked out of his window and seen her. Once he came down to join her and she led the way to his shed. They kissed until she started to cry and then he let her run away. She always runs away.

She isn't quite the same as she used to be; it's possible she learned a lesson from her second near death experience, though maybe she isn't sure what she was taught or how best to apply the knowledge. She is still afraid of love. She sees it everywhere; in Pandora's broken heart, the desperate possessive touches of both Katie and Cook, the special smile Emily has for when she sees Naomi that lights up her whole face. She is not so alone anymore. She knows that she could be, at any time; she will never depend on anyone to be there always – she is either not that naive or far too cynical.


	10. I've been taking friends to the alleyway

Pandora returns the dress she bought for the Love Ball; for her not going with Thomas means she'd be going alone and she doesn't want to do that. She pretends not to be upset and agrees with her mother that there will be other parties [privately adding that there will be other boys, or maybe that one boy will change his mind, though she doesn't hold out much hope].

Effy has already decided to boycott. She transmits this decision to the others solely through her secret smile, so they're surprised when they show up in their finery to find her absent. They're reluctant to go in without her. They're reluctant to do anything without her approval. So they call a taxi, which idles outside her house while Cook goes in to persuade her to join them. Except she's not home. Their next stop is Freddie's; they pay and pile out and head for his shed.

She has decorated. There's a mirror ball dangling from the centre of the ceiling, various types of fairy lights strung up round the room and a table laden with a buffet, consisting largely of alcohol, brightly coloured pills and neatly rolled joints.

Pandora leaps up to greet them, beaming and making the overly enthusiastic gestures of the drunk. "Isn't this wizzer? Eff's brill! It's our very own Love Ball, all for us!"

JJ almost instantly relaxes. He was far from comfortable at the prospect of spending an evening amongst so many strangers. This more intimate gathering is more their style and it's what he's grown accustomed to.

Emily and Naomi immediately take advantage of the fact that they can openly display their affection here, without the fear of bigots' comments or teachers' disapproval. Katie still isn't comfortable with the relationship, but she isn't in a position to criticise, considering she almost killed someone fairly recently, so obviously isn't an expert on love. Katie grabs a bottle of vodka, promptly gulping down half of it; she figures getting wasted will get her through this. She hadn't been looking forward to the Ball either, though not attending had never crossed her mind; it was the sort of thing the old Katie would have enjoyed.

Freddie is her date, or he was when they were going to the Ball. He reckons he's relieved of that duty if no one's around to see. He doesn't hate Katie for hurting Effy. He does hate that her attack somehow drove Effy into choosing Cook, deciding against him. He acknowledges that the basis of their relationship was staring moodily at each other, which they still do, whenever she wasn't fucking Cook, which she still does; the only thing that's changed is... It's not palpable; he can't quite put his finger on what it is. The vibe between them is different. The atmosphere overall is different, less sexually charged. The way she looks at them both is nothing alike; Freddie gets a look that's slightly mocking, part regret.

Effy blows a smoke ring with her eyes closed. Cook leans over her shoulder to take a pull from the cigarette she's holding, then tilts her head until their lips meet. She doesn't open her eyes.

"What brought this on? Not hiding from the pricks at school are we?"

Her mouth twitches and an eyebrow arches, wordlessly asking if he really thinks she'd ever hide from anyone who didn't want her there; she may avoid people, but it's on her terms and usually when they'd prefer it if she was with them. She tips her head back until it's resting on his chest, wraps his arm around herself and holds his hand on her shoulder. "No hiding."

A couple of hours and a few too many drinks later, Freddie interrupts the happy couple. "No hiding, Effy? That's a big fucking joke. All you ever do is hide and lie and run away. You love me. I know you do. She does, Cook, she shows up in my garden in the middle of the night all the time. You don't love him."

"Fuck off Freds." Cook's voice is low, warning. He is tense, a few steps away from Effy, his hands curled into fists. "She does love me."

"She loves me more!" He doesn't care how desperate and pathetic he sounds. This is true and it's time they got it out in the open.

The others have gone quiet, watching warily. The mood has changed too quickly, as it often does with alcohol as a catalyst. JJ edges over to Cook, wraps one arm round his waist and tugs on his sleeve; his eyes look huge and his face is rapidly paling.

"What's the matter J?" Cook ruffles his hair. His hostility flickers away with the change in focus of his attention.

"Don't. D-don't do this again. Please."

"I don't want to. I love you, both of you, and I don't want to hurt you, but Freddie's being an arsehole, isn't he?" This last part is directed at the other boy, accompanied with a sharp glare.

"She shouldn't be with you." Freddie starts, but Cook's bitter laugh cuts him off.

"Oh, and you're so much better? You nearly got her killed. You chose someone else. Don't blame me because your choice was a shit one."

"You didn't give me a choice! You took her from me!"

JJ's arm pulls tighter and Cook forces himself to relax a little in response. "I didn't _take_ her. Are you four fucking years old? She came to me. She wanted me. You fucked up and you lost out. Get over it, or get out."

"It's my shed!" He is whiney and petulant and he is not quite drunk enough to be unaware of how childish he sounds, how he's just proving Cook's point that he's being really immature.

Pandora turns the music back on, resumes her bizarre version of dancing, which breaks the last of the atmosphere. Emily and Naomi go back to giggling and kissing, Katie opens another bottle, JJ hesitates for just a moment before letting go of Cook, who grins at him and claps him on the shoulder. Effy is all feline grace and catlike eyes as she gets up, finally looks at Freddie. She waits until she knows he's watching and then very deliberately holds Cook's hand, pulls him in to a deep and passionate kiss. When they break apart Freddie's still watching, staring and she smiles.


	11. Give them love they've never known

Unlike most of the rest of her class [with the exception of Naomi] Effy reads the assigned novel for English: Hardy's Return of the Native. She understands Eustacia Vye intimately, sees elements of Freddie in Clym Yeobright, but the parallel doesn't extend too well to Cook and Damon Wildeve. She begins to think about running, escaping the metaphorical heath before it takes its revenge and drowns her. She thinks about running so seriously that she has a bag packed and ready, with a selection of cards stolen from her parents that they still haven't noticed are missing, a toothbrush and a couple of changes of clothes; she plans on travelling light.

Cook loves her. The fact has become impossible to ignore, even for Effy's powers of self delusion and denial. If she didn't know better [and really she does, hence the escape plan in formation] she would think that he is a boyfriend, but she doesn't do boyfriends. She still isn't seeing him; she's fucking him and there is still a distinction. Except she does see him, because he's everywhere.

He's at school, when he isn't bunking off to do anything remotely more interesting. He's at her house, talking to her mother and tidying her kitchen [she really wishes that was an exaggeration, but she walked in once to find him elbow deep in washing up that he hadn't even contributed to making and she stared at him in shock then promptly got very wasted to attempt to erase the memory]. He's in her bedroom, all the fucking time; he sleeps in her bed, even on nights when they haven't fucked and she's starting to get suspicious that he's moved in without her noticing.

She thinks about escape and she thinks about Tony; the two are inextricably linked in her mind. Her brother is far away. He doesn't have to deal with the fall out of the affair or separation. He's cut himself off from his crazy friends [or they died or eloped to New York] and found new ones, better ones. He doesn't come home until he has to and he never calls, even though he said he would and she believed him, at first. He's set up something technical so Sid's calls get forwarded to her; he took them for the first couple of weeks, but it's months later now and his course has started and he's busy, too busy for his lifelong best friend. He rings Sid every now and then, on his terms, whenever he feels like it, because maybe Tony didn't really change as much as everyone thought.

The first time Sid's name showed up flashing on her phone, she felt something between bemused and curious. "Hello Sid." Her tone was the voice equivalent of rolling her eyes; mocking, dismissive, faintly sarcastic.

"Effy? What... I wanted to talk to Tony. I called Tony didn't I?"

"Yes Sid. He doesn't want to talk to you." _Or me_, which is why she'd had no warning.

"Great. That's just great. Bollocks. Fucking...fucking wanker! He's the one that got me stuck here!"

She smirked. "No. Love is the reason you're stuck."

"Well, I'm sick of it. I don't want to be here anymore. I've got no money and no friends and I'm hungry all the time. In case you didn't know, New York is fucking massive. I can't find her, even if she wanted me to. It's too big and there are too many people. I just want to come home."

She was fond of Sid. He'd been almost like a brother to her, if a little pathetic. "So you're giving up?"

"I've tried my best."

"No more Cassie? No more love? You're giving up."

"I told you! It's massive and I'm broke. I can't find her here and I don't have any money."

She paused. She thought. She contemplated sending him one of the cash cards she'd stolen from her father already. She wasn't really sure it would help. It wasn't just money that he'd run out of; he was reaching the point of hopelessness too. "You're on a quest Sid. People suffer through worse for less. Remember your goal." She pictured a skinny blonde girl with too many teeth when she smiled, hoped he was thinking of her more fondly. "You're doing this for her. Tony knew what he was doing when he sent you."

He sighed; she was winning him over. "What was he doing Effy?"

She was reluctant to tell him. "Helping you move on. You would have just stayed in one place if he let you. But now, either you fall out of love, or you find her; you have to make a choice."

"You can't choose not to love someone."

She had hung up on him then, but she is beginning to think he was right. She fought hard against it, did everything in her power not to let herself fall in love, except she thinks that by now the battle has been lost. Her heart has been stolen by a boy who might break it.


	12. Sad but true, the two of us

On two separate occasions, both JJ and Emily unintentionally catch Freddie and Katie together, intimately, in the biblical sense, which creates the suspicion that they're attempting being a couple again, or at least confirms the rumours that they're having sex again.

This leads to the formation of factions in their friendship group. Cook, who never fully forgave Katie in the first place, reminds them of the undeniable point that she's a fucking psychopath who tried to kill Effy. It's a compelling case, which JJ and Pandora find themselves tempted to agree with. Naomi, who never really liked Katie, hesitates to side with him, because of the complicating factor of her relationship with Emily.

Interestingly, Emily herself is not supportive of the pseudo-couple, though she still fights her sister's corner regarding the psychopathic murderess thing. "Cook, you agreed that was in the past. You can't bring it back when it suits you. You didn't have an issue with forgiving her at the time."

"Yeah, well, this is a new development isn't it?"

"Technically, it's an old development, but a refreshed version of it." JJ adds helpfully.

The forbidden romance angle makes Freddie and Katie more inclined to stay together. They are both stubborn and secretly [well, not so secretly in Katie's case] they enjoy the upset and scandal they are causing. They try very hard to be like a real couple, with public displays of affection and inventing sickly cutesy pet names. Cook refuses to be around them anymore. The pet names tip the balance in Cook's favour for Naomi; she apologises profusely to Emily but her gag reflex can't take it.

Katie doesn't kiss him so desperately anymore. She's secure in the knowledge that he's hers. She's won, but it's by default; Freddie is with her because he can't have anyone else, or at least not the someone else he really wants. She doesn't have a choice either, or at least not until she gets out of this stupid little place where they remember all the stupid little things that happen and hold them against her. He isn't the worst boyfriend she's ever had. He lets her talk for hours and mostly manages to nod in the appropriate places. He winces, flinches or cringes if she tries to talk about Effy, because nothing she has to say about that girl is any good, though she has progressed from referring to her as that bitch to that girl. So she switches subjects smoothly. He never complains when she rants and whines about Cook; she thinks he enjoys that, really, even if he never contributes himself.

Sometimes when they arrange dates, both Fitch girls show up together. Freddie never knows when to expect this. He spends one awkward afternoon in the sole company of Emily; both of them know better than to disobey orders. They go shopping for nail varnish, looking for a colour for Naomi. Freddie is stunned by the wide array, more amazed by Emily's knowledge of Naomi's collection.

Naomi's nails were coloured with highlighter the first time they kissed, except that time didn't really count because her sister interrupted and she'd lied for so long about it being forced and drugged. Emily tracks Naomi's nail varnish the same way other people chart the weather. She likes the purple better than the bumblebee yellow, but not as much as the bright blue. She tries to invent a theory where Naomi's moods are linked to her nails, because it's still the early rush of love and she doesn't think there's anything ordinary about Naomi Campbell.

They settle on a peppermint green and agree that, although the experience has been tolerable, it's one they'd rather never repeat. They don't know what Katie was thinking would happen, what she'd hoped or schemed, but they don't think this is it.


	13. You'll start believing you're immune

All that's really needed is the promise of sex. Usually, not even this, because the suggestion of the potential for sex will do just as well. Occasionally, there are those who are not convinced by outfits, make up, bedroom eyes and subtle changes in body language. Effy rarely resorts to language; she starts with tone, her low husky voice hinting without explicitly saying. Saying things outright is not Effy Stonem's way; she speaks without words.

People are not good at listening, observing, patience. People want immediate understanding, but they are not good at being understood. Effy makes it clear that she needs distance, space, to feel less trapped. She starts spending a lot of time in places she knows Cook won't go. At school it's the library, where she listens to music and reads her way through an alphabet of authors; most of these books have never been read before. Her lurking presence at the local supermarket arouses attention; they suspect a shoplifter, because that's easier to comprehend than a girl who stalks the aisles just staring at things. They dedicate employees to the task of following her. They're supposed to be discrete but they're far from it. One boy watches her so obviously it makes her laugh. He wants her.

"What are you doing here?" He asks one day. He's starting to encroach and Cook isn't backing off, so she leaves without a word and keeps going; her escape bag hasn't been out of reach for days, but no one saw this coming regardless. Effy's almost as good at surprises as she is at running away. 


	14. As far as you and me go

"That's just taking the fucking piss!" Cook's tone borders so closely to a snarl that several people turn to stare at him.

Naomi looks at him, then at Freddie and Katie, which is clearly what's set Cook off. They are sitting very close together, the table obscuring their hands, but the expressions on their faces make it obvious what they're doing. While Naomi agrees that it's disgusting and inappropriate [more so than usual], she is not quite so vehement about it as Cook. She averts her gaze back to the textbook she's meant to be making notes from, and hesitates. Cook's face is horrified, his body tense and agitated. She sighs. "Come on."

Once outside, they smoke in silence for ten long minutes. It's colder than Naomi anticipated.

"Utter wank." Cook announces, dropping his cigarette and lighting another quickly.

She assumes he means Freddie; doesn't say anything to contradict or distract him.

"I get used to things. I'm used to being shit, not having anything. Then I got something, finally, for once, but it didn't even fucking matter. It got fucked up anyway."

She thinks of Emily, who loves her. She says the words too, although she doesn't think she means them; she's just parroting them back. "Effy?" She asks. No one's seen her for a few days.

He shrugs one shoulder, doesn't look at her. "Dunno where she is. Your guess is as good as mine." He is the epitome of miserable. "He was right, you know. She does love him best."

"As if."

"Well, she didn't fucking warn me, did she?"

Naomi laughs before she can stop herself. Cook looks hurt. "Sorry. It's just the concept of Effy telling anyone anything, especially in a way they can understand."

"Yeah, I guess. Talks in fucking riddles. When she does talk. Mostly she doesn't. Fuck, I miss her. I don't know what to do. I don't know where she is and she won't answer the fucking phone. I'm so fucking tired of not knowing. Freddie'd know. But she wouldn't have run away from _him_."

"The shed." She says suddenly. "Have you tried the shed? Freddie doesn't use it anymore. Katie's scared of spiders." Though Naomi suspects she's more scared of the ghosts that lurk there, that she's still afraid she can't compete with Effy.

Cook is startled. "God. Fuck. That's brilliant Naomi! You're a fucking genius! But I don't... I can't go. She'll just... I'm the problem, aren't I? I can't get her back. She needs to come back and I can't get her. I think she's done with me. Is it me? I don't know what I did. I love her. I fucking love her."

Naomi can't say no to that, which is why she gets a bus and climbs over a fence to avoid alerting Freddie's dad to her visit. When the shed door opens, a wide eyed Effy scrambles for a hiding place, realises there's nowhere to go.

"Just me. I don't have to tell him. He's worried though, you know? Really misses you."

"Didn't really go anywhere." Effy mutters.

"No, I guess not. Except into hiding, because that's what this is, right? Is it symbolic that you sought shelter from Cook at Freddie's?"

She gasps and splutters. Naomi's never seen her flustered; it's kind of embarrassing, like seeing your teacher cry, but she also feels vaguely proud of herself for cracking the façade. "No! I just... He's still there. Everyone leaves."

"He loves you."

"So did my parents."

"It's okay to be scared."

Effy scowls at her. "I'm not."

"So prove it. Come back. What's the worst that can happen? He leaves? You've been waiting for that."

"...what if he doesn't?" Her voice comes out small.


	15. Making promises that won't mean a thing

Emily sleeps over at JJ's once a month. After the first time, his mother was so surprised she nearly forgot to be angry. He'd shared his bed with a girl [and she didn't want any details at all] and they both looked so happy.

He knows his mum worries, too much. He wants to be normal for her. He can give her this, even if it is an illusion. Emily teases him for his PJs and he doesn't mind that she usually steals the duvet. They have breakfast with his mum, who watches them with total fascination. They have a list of topics that are safe to talk about, which is much shorter than the list of topics to avoid at all costs. Sometimes she kisses him before she leaves. He smiles so wide his whole face glows.

This month, because it's half term so it didn't matter that it was a school night, Emily stayed over on Tuesday, two days ago. Thursday means Shepherd's pie and Scrabble, or quiche and salad if the weather's warmer. The rain's getting heavier and JJ's waiting for it to turn into a storm when the doorbell rings.

Effy Stonem stands dripping in the porch, her eyes full of emotion that even he knows she won't want to talk about. She is not part of the usual Thursday. JJ asks his mum before inviting her in.

His mum is almost used to the bright and bubbly presence of Emily, but this girl is dark and skinny. "Oh." She says, surprised and faintly distasteful. "You'd better come in."

Effy brings chaos and turmoil wherever she goes, or maybe disaster trails her like a lovesick puppy, like Freddie, forever ago. It makes JJ uneasy having her in his house, towel drying her hair and shivering in the kitchen. He is sure something bad has happened. Something worse will no doubt follow.

"I'm sorry; I didn't catch your name."

She hasn't introduced herself or thanked them or even spoken yet; the quirk of her eyebrow acknowledges the fact she sees through the words to the cautious concern underneath for her little boy, the way his mother thinks she's rude and a little unhinged.

"Effy." There's a flicker of a smile on her face, a mocking undertone buried deep in her voice.

"Oh. Cook's friend?" Understanding dawns as she matches wild and wilful Cook with the dangerous broken girl; it makes sense. "I see. Are you a girlfriend or...?"

She wants to say "No. We just fuck" but that's not strictly true anymore and even Effy has limits of how far she can shock. "Yes." She answers instead, meekly. "We've had a lover's tiff." She speaks the phrase like a line she doesn't quite believe in.

"Would you like a cup of tea? Some toast? Perhaps you can find something to wear of JJ's. You must be cold."

"It's all right mum. I'll help her." He ushers her out of the kitchen, towards the stairs. "Effy prefers coffee, please. I think she takes it black."

She sits in the middle of his bed, stripped down to her underwear, her teeth chattering and her lips faintly blue from cold. He sorts out a pair of his PJs for her; the teddy bear ones. She doesn't laugh, though her lips curl up in a smirk. She waits for him to turn around before she changes into them, out of respect to him rather than because she's suddenly shy.

"Does Cook know you're here?" He asks, his back to her still.

"No. My feet are cold."

He takes a quick peek at her over his shoulder. She's tucked herself up in his bed. She looks small. "Of course. Sorry. Hang on." He digs through his sock drawer to find a thick woollen winter pair, which she takes gratefully. "I'll just take these to mum." He gathers up her sodden clothes, goes downstairs with them, returns a few moments later with a cup of coffee for Effy and a plate of Shepherd's pie leftovers. "She said you looked like you needed something to warm you up and more meat on your bones; this'll do the trick."

She smiles at him, scoots over so he can climb in next to her. He wraps an arm around her and she leans her head on his chest while she eats and drinks in quiet contentment. "Thank you JJ."

"Where've you been?"

"Nowhere."

He frowns. She's impossible to pin down. "Why did you disappear?"

"It's what I do." She yawns, snuggles deeper into his bed. "I think I'm in love. It's never happened before." She shuts her eyes.

"Goodnight Effy." He flicks the light off, tries to roll over to face away from her, but she won't let him. She turns onto her side, shifts so her back's against his chest; he's warm.

"Night J." She mumbles, sleepily.

He's surprised when she's still there in the morning. His mother wakes them up by bringing drinks; tea for him, coffee for her. Effy even engages in polite conversation with them, without swearing or evasion or too much sarcasm. His mother remains uncertain about her, understandably, because these things take getting used to, things like her freak son having equally strange female friends who seek refuge on rainy nights.

"Can I give you a lift anywhere Effy? Do you need to call your mum?"

Effy's sitting in front of a mirror, brushing and plaiting her freshly washed hair, dressed in her dried outfit from the day before, though she's kept JJ's thick socks on. "No, that's all right. She isn't home at the moment. She's visiting my brother, at university."

"She's left you by yourself?"

"For a few days." _Probably_. _A week at the most_. She isn't sure what she'll do if her mother fails to return.

"Are you... Do you want to stay here, with us? I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving you to an empty house. It wouldn't be any trouble. I don't mind. You're welcome to stay, really. I could take you to collect some clothes, drive you back when your mum got home?"

Effy doesn't know why it matters to her. Her own mother doesn't take such an interest in her welfare. An empty house is better than a shed, but she can't guarantee that her house is empty; Cook could be lurking, lying in wait. At least here she knows what she's up against; home cooked meals, clean clothes, sharing a bed with a boy who doesn't want anything from her, a boy without demands and the potential to destroy her.

"Yes." She says, with an air of determination. "Thank you."

JJ's mum beams. She can see the family resemblance in that smile. "Wonderful! If you give me directions, we can go now, to collect your belongings."

"I will mum." They sit in the backseat together. JJ fiddles with his phone for a moment before holding it out to Effy. Cook's name and number fill the screen. Her eyes flash. He taps out a message, holds it out again. _You need to call him._ She shakes her head; she doesn't need him. _You can't avoid him forever and I can't avoid him at all – you know I can't lie_.

"Fuck." She says softly. It hadn't occurred to her that JJ is the weak link in her evasive manoeuvres. Except...he's right. She can't avoid him indefinitely. Eventually, there will come a time for confrontation, for smouldering looks from opposite sides of a room, for watching his back as he walks away, because it's inevitable that he will.


	16. I turn him on and he comes to life

At her house, it takes her ten minutes to throw some things together, five to find her phone and fifteen more to work up the courage to press _Call_.

"Effy?"

"Hey."

He laughs, delighted, childlike. "Eff! Fucking hell! Effy! I love you!"

She tries not to cringe, swipes tears away with distracted frustration. "I know."

"I've missed you. Where'd you go?"

She hears the unspoken question, the _Why didn't you take me with you?_ "Doesn't matter. Nowhere. Where are you?"

He's quiet for moment, embarrassed. "The house was too big without you. I went back to mine."

"Come home." She tells him in a broken whisper and hangs up before he can speak. She slumps on her bed sobbing, because she loves him, she loves him, she loves him and he knows.

JJ knocks before he comes in. "Effy? We're still waiting. Did you talk to Cook?"

She covers her face with her hands frantically. "Go away! Get out! Get the fuck out of here JJ!" She can't expose so many weaknesses so close together.

"Sorry, sorry." He backs away, shuts the door with a soft click behind him but he doesn't leave. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." She rubs her eyes on her sleeve. Her make up's fucked. Waterproof mascara apparently can't stand up to Effy Stonem.

"Did you talk to Cook?"

She's trembling. "Yes."

"Did you tell him what you told me? That you love him?"

"He knows J." There's a long pause. "JJ?"

"Yes Effy?"

"Could you... Will you hug me?"

He smiles, lets her bury her face in his chest and burrow into him. She's so little in his lap. He feels a hint of what it's like to be a man and have someone to love, to want to protect.


	17. he feels like a boy should feel

They reunite with bedroom eyes and hungry mouths, with _harder, faster, more_, driven by lust and want and need. It's been too long and they've been too lonely. They are young and in love and their appetites are insatiable. They grind their hips, bite down on bottom lips, suck love bites on skin to mark what's theirs; the inside of her thighs, his collarbone. Her nails claw into his back when she's panting and trembling beneath him. His hand grips her hip hard enough to bruise. Even when he's inside her they're pushing and pressing to be closer, clinging and clutching and frantically passionate. She digs her fingers into the duvet, white-knuckled, gasping. Their kisses are sloppy, swallowing curses and _yes_ and _close _and _please_. They taste each other on their tongues, sharp and sweet and familiar. His hands are in her hair, on her cheek, cupping her breasts, trailing down her ribs to the jut of her hipbones, stroking her stomach, lower; teasing.

It's like an explosion. There's no slow build, no love making. They come hard and fast, bodies jerking and bucking. Afterwards, they lie there, blinking and breathing, trying to regain control. Cook smiles at her, blissful and sleepy, and curls round her, protective and possessive, to doze.

Her heart is pounding in her chest so loudly that she can hear it in her head. She can't catch her breath. It feels desperate, like choking, and she remembers the woods, though she's done her best to forget. Some things can't be repressed completely, even by experts like Effy. She remembers when Katie was strangling her, literally choking the life out of her, and she wasn't scared, not at all. But in bed with Cook, with a boy who loves her to death [that phrase has been stuck in her head for hours; _loves her to death_, like it's an inevitable consequence] she can't tell the difference between passion and fear.


	18. I have seen the darkness in the day

**A/N: **Sorry, I just realised I had this chapter repeating itself...

Effy's there when it happens. It's a Friday night. A house party. She's leaning against a wall and smoking a cigarette, feeling off balance with a vague sense of paranoia. It's cold outside. The grass is frosty and the streets are icy, treacherous.

She hears her name. She looks up. Freddie's on the roof and she knows he's going to fall. She opens her mouth to shout a warning, but no sound comes out, then he falls and he hits the ground and she stumbles back.

It's screaming and panic and 999 on mobile phones. People are hurrying to leave because they don't want to get caught here, not with this. It was all fun and games until someone fell off the roof.

Effy stares at the body on the concrete and thinks of Tony; of tyres squealing; of that particular smell hospitals have, how it clung to their clothes and their hair and their house, made her feel sick from the stink. She remembers plastic chairs and interminable waiting, his dwindling group of friends, his release when he was better and their short lived relief before they realised how far away recovery really was.

She read him fairy tales and mythology. It was only logical that he'd forgotten her voice; he'd lost so much, but since she hadn't spoken for over a year before the accident, it was a reminder for all of them. She was hoarse a lot, initially. Her throat hurt so badly the first few days afterwards, after her helpless desperate screaming, on her knees in the middle of the road by her brother's body. She didn't want to talk, but Tony needed her. She'd been there for him, when he needed help, but when she needed him, when she was in love and scared... He's never around. He doesn't answer the phone. She'll call him later, but she won't say anything. She can't.

There are steady streams of people fleeing the house, in varying states of drunkenness and disarray. There is no one she recognises, in the brief moments she tears her gaze away from the body, Freddie, sprawled. It's dark and it was a party; she could be wrong about the blood pooling round his head. She wants to run too, but she can't move. She is trembling, the cigarette still in her hand turning to ash, unnoticed. She can't look away.

Her thoughts stray to Chris. The few times she saw him, he was nice to her, friendly, though she suspects there weren't many people he wasn't kind to. Once, he taught her the art of rolling the perfect joint and smoked it with her while Tony fucked Michelle upstairs. He winked at her and kissed her on the cheek before he left. He felt like more of a brother to her than Tony had been for months.

She didn't go to his funeral. She would have felt out of place. She was younger, Tony's sister tagging along, tolerated. She knew how hard it had hit them. Cassie had been so upset she'd fled the country, and Michelle or Maxxie [or both] had always seemed to be visiting to cry at Tony in the days between his death and their departures. It was different without Chris; quieter, subdued.

She wonders how they would feel Freddie's loss, hoping that he'll wake up and walk away without a scratch. His eyes are closed and he isn't moving. She can't force herself any closer to check he's still breathing. Effy knows one thing for certain; she will not go to the hospital. Not to wait for news or watch him sleep or keep his spirits high throughout his slow recuperation. She's had enough of hospitals. She can't face that sterile smell that lingers, haunts. Not again.

Her mobile is vibrating in the pocket of her jacket. She fumbles for it, sees Cook's name flashing on the display. She accepts the call, presses the phone to her ear, panicked, suddenly needing to hear him, wanting him there with her.

"Eff? Where are you? Everyone's leaving. Something about police showing up. Where are you?"

There are flashing blue lights, the garden lit like a shit school disco. She didn't hear the sirens. Cook's still talking, somewhere that isn't here. She turns her back on Freddie, leans over and vomits. She has to drop the cigarette to wipe her mouth with the back of her hand. Her teeth are chattering. They're loading Freddie into the back of the ambulance, and then someone yells, and she thinks it's from her phone, that he's still somewhere else, unaware.


End file.
